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JOKES.
May 23, 2006 22:38:24 GMT 1
Post by PorkyPies on May 23, 2006 22:38:24 GMT 1
A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.
He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck . If he wants intercourse, don't resist, just do what he tells you! This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."  
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JOKES.
May 24, 2006 0:01:34 GMT 1
Post by Moominfreak on May 24, 2006 0:01:34 GMT 1
;D Cracking!
N.
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JOKES.
May 25, 2006 11:04:06 GMT 1
Post by PorkyPies on May 25, 2006 11:04:06 GMT 1
Bad Doggie.
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JOKES.
May 25, 2006 11:07:30 GMT 1
Post by PorkyPies on May 25, 2006 11:07:30 GMT 1
10 things to do at someone else's house
1.Tell them you are going to the toilet and search in their rooms
2.never use their toilet you will be blamed for a floater!
3.never tell them that they should clean up before you arive they will forever insult you about it
4.turn the fridge upside down when they are not there and when they get there tell them you have to go.
5.if you break an ornement remember one thing
BLUE TACK FIXES EVERYTHING
6.offer to cook them dinner and then shout to them OH MY GOD YOUR FRIDGE IS UPSIDE DOWN!!!!
7.if you stay the night remember they will know you if have orderd for a porn site to be available
8.never take in a prostitute for the night they will know if they are or not.
9.take in a universal remote control and have some fun when they are watching tv.
10.invite the police round and tell them it's a strip club.
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JOKES.
May 25, 2006 16:12:59 GMT 1
Post by Moominfreak on May 25, 2006 16:12:59 GMT 1
2.never use their toilet you will be blamed for a floater! Nah... trick is... always eat 5lbs of peanuts every meal! That way... any poo without nuts won't be yours... and you can't get blamed! I've been doing that for the last 20 years just in case... no wnder I weigh 87 stone! ;D N. |
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SarkyMoo
Higher Ranked Member
Posts: 164
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JOKES.
May 29, 2006 20:35:12 GMT 1
Post by SarkyMoo on May 29, 2006 20:35:12 GMT 1
Ey up, her whatsits are wonky  |
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JOKES.
May 30, 2006 15:52:49 GMT 1
Post by PorkyPies on May 30, 2006 15:52:49 GMT 1
No bra and that top needs an iron.  |
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JOKES.
Jun 10, 2006 13:43:56 GMT 1
Post by PorkyPies on Jun 10, 2006 13:43:56 GMT 1
[glow=red,2,300]Beanz Meanz.....[/glow]
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!
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JOKES.
Jun 10, 2006 13:50:08 GMT 1
Post by PorkyPies on Jun 10, 2006 13:50:08 GMT 1
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SarkyMoo
Higher Ranked Member
Posts: 164
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JOKES.
Jun 11, 2006 9:54:55 GMT 1
Post by SarkyMoo on Jun 11, 2006 9:54:55 GMT 1
Bleeping puddle!
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JOKES.
Jun 16, 2006 3:14:00 GMT 1
Post by PorkyPies on Jun 16, 2006 3:14:00 GMT 1
? wot is in your box.  |
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JOKES.
Jun 16, 2006 20:41:55 GMT 1
Post by PorkyPies on Jun 16, 2006 20:41:55 GMT 1
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JOKES.
Jun 30, 2006 18:52:34 GMT 1
Post by PorkyPies on Jun 30, 2006 18:52:34 GMT 1
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JOKES.
Aug 8, 2006 20:13:32 GMT 1
Post by PorkyPies on Aug 8, 2006 20:13:32 GMT 1
A man and his wife were spending a day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape section, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did this and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now tell him you have a headache."
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